6 months in

And I suppose you could say we are struggling. i think it is fair to say the both of us. I think I am really struggling on the hormonal front, which has a knock on effect on keith. we're argueing more than I ever thought we could at this stage, but they are not full blown horrid arguements, just spats, and lots of tears from me afterward.

I feel weak and pathetic most of the time, most things can set me off. i amstruggling with work, and how Jim and Jonathan are handling the flexible working procedure. it all seems to be going to shit at the moment, and potentially will go to a tribunal, which will just be horrific. I dont know what i am doing any more, and all I can think about is meeting this little guy and getting onwith life. But there are just so many worries to deal with befoergand.

I dont know how to stop myself from being so emotional all the time. i feel rubbish always taking things out on keith, at the same time, i do think he could be a little more lenient and flexible inhis approach, but currently i do feel as though the world is against me. no one can really do right to be honest.

i just want a holiday, away from everyone and everything, but that isn't possible either. just have to smile and carry on.

i have to admit this pregnancy malarkyis not as much fun as i thought it would be, whether thats just my hormones or whether that is just who i am an dhow this was always going to be. i know its not keith, i know its not the bubster, and i suspect its not work and everything that is going wrong there i worry i will carry this depression, or lowness with me to afte rth ebirth, but i try not to dwell on that too much.

maternity leave jobs

• write blogs
• create business
• sort campaign
• read books
• find local groups to join
• paint garden fence for summer
• sort wedding album and pictures
• name change all
• photography
• 
  

Shopping List

baby towels
baby changing bag
chest of drawers for airing cupboard
rail pole for airing cupboards
vest and body suits
small sleeve body suits
long sleeved body suits
socks, hats, mittens
winter outdoor suit
nappies
wipes
cotton balls
bath no more tears stuff
baby bath oil
towels
muslins
breast pump
baby bottles
cot mattress
pram
fitted sheets
blankets
baby monitor
stencisl for wall
hanging baskets for back of door
baby cardigan, winter clothes

Nursery

cot with stencils around
something to cover radiator (make raduiator work!!)
ikea light shade
ikea storage for back of door ~ like hanging baskets
extra storage to rest (shelving?) above filing cabinet?
shelving above baby changing area

12 weeks

So we have finally reached the god damn 12 week part! Whoop! Nothing can explain the way I feel this week, it has been just like a shroud has been lifted, a veil parted ~ just feel so relieved. We all know there is still so much, but i am just hoping there is a nice home inside me which is keeping a little someone quite happy....!

I have had such a hard time internally over the past few months, I feel as though the doom that surrounds the first trimester is very much dramatised, and I have been feeling incredibly alone. The secret truely is in a good partner that you can discuss things with, and even though he will still never truely know what it is like, he is as supportive as anyone could ask for, and is always there for me.

We have been falling out more, tiredness, mis-understandings, etc but that is all normal. We just have to remember to keep loving each other too x

So Alone

And so, this is how it goes
Its like merry highs wrapped round merry lows, I've been
Growing up whilst growing old
And I didn't see me grow up past this...
Old friends, why, you, look so sad
You weren't aware I was hoping to be a part of that
I too have made choices rash
But now I am settled, I didn't see me going past you
Never mind, once again I am so alone
Like its nothing I have outgrown my own home,
Don't forget me, I said, as I moved on in my head
Leaving you waiting here for something that won't ever show.
They have already called me boring, for bearing your child
And that wasn't enough to make you defend me or our lives
So I guess once again I am here battling my own battles
With this inside me.

8-9 Weeks

It has felt like an age getting to this 2 month point ~ although it also feels as though I am not moving very far very quickly. After what felt like a week or two of nauseousness, has now faded. My boobs, although sore and tender (and slightly larger) and not as large as everyone made out they would be (patience is not one of my virtues) and last week where I felt incredibly bloated after most meals and could comfortably cuddle my stomach, I now feel slim and fine and baby-free.
The amount of stresses going on are bizarre. I have shifted from feeling every single moment that I am going ot lose the baby to now feeling more scared of the reality of having the baby! I keep reminding myself with a content smile that I have wanted this for so long, inside for longer, and am soo happy it is here and growing. I suppose I was hoping for more support during these first few months ~ a bit more hope that everyone thinking I would lose the baby.
Fingers crossed everything is fine. I will feel MUCH happier once I have the first scan. I just want to make sure all is well ~ as I am sure every mum does.

This week I shall meeting my mid-wife for the first time. I am apprehensive about this, as I am afraid I won't like her much! We shall see. Have my list of questions and we shall see what happens. This wednesday I shall be moving into week 9 which every week is a blessing. I suppose I just have to take each week as it comes. x

Keith has been amazing, more than I ever thought he would or could be. He has supported all the highs and lows, which have been great. We had a mammoth money discussion yesterday which was shocking and hard, but we will be fine. people with less sort themselves out, so all should be good.

|Right ~ back to work (have already lost interest in this!) and on to eating healthy and not a lot else to report! x

DEFO BABY ~ We are Pregnant

Still pregnant and incredibly scared and happy! I don't think Keith fully believes me, and I think will feel more assured once we have the first proper Healthcare meeting. I am meeting with the Doctor next wednesday, when I think I will be around 6 weeks pregnant!

So early on, but K has already told his parents! I know I know... But it must be done. I think our philosophy is if it is meant to be, it is meant to be. We're both so delighted, I think, but petrified too? That must be normal!

So timeline! Unsure of actual ovulation day, and periods generally irregular moving from 23-28 days, so will go from 24 day of cycle.

24 day - first faint positive, incredibly sore boobs, hot head, period cramps (about 12dpo)
25 day - stomach pains, tensing up like stomach bug, 2nd faint positive
26 day - third and forth positive, taken through day and morning. cramping and straining in lower abdomin. boobs stopped hurting. creamy cm (nice!)
27 day - defo positive, odd cramps and tired. oh so tired.
28 day - defo positive, odd cramps.

Still fearing everyday to find a miscarriage, but I just don't think it will happen. I think this will be okay, you know, I think, ladies and gentlemen, we have a 'Sticker'

So this week we shall call the dude the 'cluster' as it moves out from being a cluster of cells into something. Next week will be known as 'peanut' me thinks

I hope Keith is okay. I think he is in shock, but he just looks scared all the time. I guess even though we have been planning this and even though we knew it would come at some point, I guess you can never prepare for the feeling of becomming a parent!

More to come xxx

Maybe baby

yoYoYO! 26th february 2011 and we think we have (a very faint, but a true one, none the same) BFP!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

It is a Sunday morning, so we have to now wait twohours before we can get out and go and buy another test to confirm!!!!!! holy crap! i think i need keith to be convinced before i truely believe it myself.... but maybe baby!!!!!!!!

still a go-go

Still having a good a go at this as we can. I am trying this month to not be too obsessive, to try to just hope but i think anyone who tries would tell you it is hard. K still can't understand although he is totally on board now. he is being very supportive, and really I think wants this as much as I do.

I totally sorted the house out today. i like it when it is all sorted. It makes me want to have this B even more. i wonder how I would change everything in order to make sure the B had everythign it needs, but i guess people just do. i have given up smoking now for the third week, and although hard, it is for the good, and i am glad. i never wanted to be that mother that still smoked around their child, that wouldn't be fair.

I still wonder if there are troubles, ahead, inside. We shall see. This month we have been pretty consistent, pretty much every two days, so unless I ovulated on my period, we're pretty much there. unless, unless....!

Februrary 2011 ~ 5 Months Tryingw

So we have been trying now for 5 months, although I suppose honestly, probably only three of those have involved us both being on board and feeling the same way. Initially it was mainly me driving all the trying, but DKN now wants this more than me I think!

We have been married now for just under one year, but have been together for 10 years this month. We are truely happy together, both working and own our first house together. I think we have set up a lovely foundation to begin a family, so now its just wait and see!

I have already started to get a little peculiar about wanting a baby. I suppose this is the first thing in my life that I have wanted, and can't just have because of the want alone. I have found it both fascinating and incredibly depressing to discover about the makings of a baby. After 15 years of fearing I would get pregnant at any point, it has been incredibly strange to discover that actually getting pregnant can be harder than I first thought!

My periods are incredibly irregular, not in the dramatic sense ~ but as much as it is difficult to predict ovulation, therefore difficult to predict when the most fertile period is etc. I think after spending January hoping in vain that we were pregnant, we're both of the mind to just keep 'at it' all month through ~ which makes us both happy!

I have given up smoking (JEEZO!) for two weeks now, so I am hoping that this will make a wee bit of difference. I am also cycling again (although my bike is a pile of pants). hopefully getting fitter and healthier will make the difference.

Anyway ~ I thought I would keep this blog to log how the process goes, and we shall see. Maybe this month! x

As the Americans say ~ BABY DUST!!! XXXX